hmm

hahaaa.. wow.. interesting post yesterday.. first time i was so drunk in sweden!! and also the first time i actually talked to god it seems from the post .. after like 10 years or something.. interestinggg..

I cried sooo muchhh today .. so much that i really dont have the energ tto type!!! i dont kno y i crid....but i know u do. yyy goodddd.... y make me suffferr''?? i hate u u u ... soo muchhhh

examss

exams are toughh here man.. was never in this ganda situation before.. three exams in a row!! had one today.. might just pass that.. and now just started studying for tomorrows exam.. but m scared for the first time... not gna pass.. havent prepared anything.. ek din me kaise kar sakte hai yaar! not good....

and i miss you soooooo muchhh.. all the songs i listen reminds me of you.. even if they have no connection, just the lyrics make me miss you.. when i think about a person whom i want to be wid, its always youuu.. nothing else come up in my mind.. i just cant picture being with someone else! its all youu, trust me.. i love youu.. we can make it through this, if you wnt to.. take my hand and i promise life will be good, happy and exciting :)

got exams tomorrow.. pretty sure this time not gonna make it.. and here i am writing blogg.. hahaa.. o well.. its all for you.. its all about you.. it always was.. u just didnt realize it.. i just didnt realize it..

mind of your own

just came back from swimming n sauna.. tiredd..

today i talked to u and it soo didnt feel the same prachi that i use to know.. howww? kya bhooth chad jata hai tumko achanak?! i dunno if its good or bad, u have just changed and ur changing! ur enjoying attention just like any other girl, and congrats, there will be thousands of guys waiting in line to give u that attention.. i dont know what you want in life.. if u think ur enjoying, thats great.. i am happy for you :)

anyways.. I tried telling u that its not too late for us and we can still be together.. i guess if u loved me, u would have come back by now.. but i think u have a mind of ur own.. just wanted to say that, its sooo much better and happier to always be with your first love.. trust me on that.. u will figure that out soon enough.. as for me, I have decided, m gna stop holding on to something that is seriously not even there.. The way i keep trying, it eats my soul away.. it takes too much out of me.. and i cant keep doing that.. i pray for you..

muniaaraaam hai.. may u alwaysss find happiness :) .. my heart will always wish for the best in life for you :)

screweddd

goddd man.. i am soo screweddd.. there are too many assignments due this week and the next week!! and the week after that theres exams!! howwww.. there is no time to study for the exams.. the coding programs we have to do are crazyy.. trust me, they are huge and complex! and doing all of them them yourself is just painful.. dunno how i am going to get thru this study period..

u kno.. ppl here are just dummbbbbb.. i dunno if its the weather or wat, but they are soo sloww and dull.. very dull.. mayb its just the pathetic roomates i have.. mann, they just sit there in this small corner of a room the whole day.... n when they come out to talk, they bring up suchh dull and dumb topics that u feel its better they dont open their mouths only! theres only one guy, pravin.. whos a little bit alright.. but still.. but man, all these dull ppl around is taking a toll on me.

was again thinking of u the whole day.. whenever i got free.. its crazyy.. lets get married, i cant live without u! its like i have to talk to u everydayyy.. dont want to miss out from any part of your life.. dont want to sacrifice happiness for the sake of money...

:)

That was our first valentines day :) .. I dont know why, but i keep remembering that day!

The more i think, the more i feel we should b together.. We have come so far, it cannot be all for nothing..

I remember the first time i asked you out.. i said "come take my hand, and i promise the next couple years will be the best everr" :) .. m not a monster munia.. I really thought what i was doing was the best for both of us.. trust me like u once did.. i love you.. :)

happy :)

for the first time after ages i felt happy yesterday from the inside!! slept soo peacefully at night.. It was as if i had forgotten what its like to sleep in peace and without any stress.. Otherwise ever since I have come to sweden, everythings been too weird and tensed.. I never felt at home. All the nights, I slept with a burden.. Its going to be the same even now, i can already feel tension about some of the things.. but yesterday for some reason, everything seemed alright.. I guess its cuz of saturday night and finally talked to u.. and i guess it was mainly the feeling of hope, that u still love and something could work..

We were happy together.. and that is the only thing that counts! .. i have pondered too much on how we can get married and how everything would be.. it has ups and downs.. but at the end of the day, if we can be happy to be together, nothing else matters! i dunno.. at times i feel i am rushing myself.. thinking about marriage when i have soo far to go.. if i had a sexy job right now na, no one could have sstopped me.. lol.. it all is really confusing, and no matter how much u think about it, there is no conclusion.. I think time will give a solution, there is no point in rushing into everything.. anyways..

Talked to my uncle in England today.. going to start my visa process this week.. If everything works out, i will be there for Christmas! hehe..

Its 2... gonna sleep now.. this week onwards everything is going to be hectic.. too many assignments left and the exams are also coming up! haii.. gnt

remember I always told u, the day we both are mad at each other together.. we will loose everything we ever had! hmm..

I am mad.. u know itt.. but probably i am not so important to u anymore.. anyways.. even i cant let my heart keep holding on to something that doesnt exist.. it hurts soo much everyday.. sooo much prachi.. plzz take it away somehow.. u have ur new found love.. but i am hurting alone...

bahaut ho gaya

yeah ur right.. i have learned my lesson.. I got much better and important things to do! and ur not at all worth it! bahaut ho gaya ab ye natak..

questioning sound

I dunno if u trying to make me mad and angry.. so that i will stop bothering u or something.. i dunno! but congrats, its workingg! the way u talk at times, its like all ur irritation transfers directly on me.. and u were irritated today, dont lie to me!! something, mayb small or mayb big, but something was thr.. its not good.. I was happy the whole day until I made the mistake of talking to u.. howww? and where the hell is ur varun now? of what use is hee!! hell man..

anyways.. trying to calm down.. gonna write about my yesterdays experience!

mazaa aagaya at the rotary pub! these french people can be fun.. hahaa.. one of the guys, he is magician or something.. he had gotten a deck of cards.. and he was sooo good at it!! some of the tricks he performed were just amazingg.. we were just sitting there in awe! he could be compared to david blane or something! hahaa..

got quite drunk.. dont really remember much tho.. dnt even remember the blog i wrote.. lolz.. its soo embarrassing, but didnt delete it.. its weird, before no matter how drunk i got, next i always remembered everything exactly as it happened.. but its been more than a year now i think since the "not remembering" effect has kicked in.. hmm.. anyways..

These guys are offering a masters thesis at IIT Bombay!! hopefully they have projects related to networking.. then i can try for it! .. I dont like the life ovr here.. its too much of an effort. mayb its just this country thats so bad.. but m loosing my heart and courage to stay outside cuz of this experience.. hmm. lets see..

Thinking of going to my uncles place in england in December.. the visa process is kinda complex.. but hopefully it will work out! hehe..

got two assignments due on monday!! have a lot lott to do.. and i am here watching movies and series.. lolzz.

otherwise life is gooood :)

goddd.. ur getting incredibly irritating these days! its becoming harder to talk u.. u always tend to direct all ur anger on me! its not right.. and it effects me a very negative way.. I left, but it had to be done! for a better future.. and everything is not lost.. its all in ur hands.. stop being so angry and irritated..

m kinda drunk! the beer here is quite strong yea.. havent really gotten use to it...

just hilaofied.. it takes soooo much long to ejaclaulate when ur drunk.. and its soo much more effort!! hhaii.. m tired.. lolz

mazaa aaya aaj! .. it was good.. the next two days have to work really hard to finish off my assignments.. haiii.. lets see how it goes.

I love u.. u know that! kinda feeling thrkey rite now.. lol.. was remembering how we often we made out at goa! lolz..

anyays.. take care.. gna sleep now.. not feeling too well.. feel nauseated.. gnt

this is it..

just finished watching the latest episode of house.. I dont like it as much as i use to.. or mayb it was just this episode (S06E07).. It makes u feel weird. as if dont really understand or have a grasp on life or something.. hahaaa.. yea, dunno how to describe the feeling.

great u kno.. its just great! so now I am not supposed to call u even.. the heights is that the less i talk to u the more i miss u and think about u!!! hell, its killing..
but I feel this is going to be the turning tip now.. I wnt call often, u nvr gna b online, u for sure wont give me a missed call (u havent even given me one yet, its like u just dont miss me!).. and yea, we are gonna end up being out of touch.. whenever i do call, it will b short, something like hi bye types.. so yea, i guess this is it.. even i think i am loosing my patience now.. tried too hard to know u, know ur feelings and thoughts.. tried hard to tell u that i really do love u.. but ur just distancing urself away from me.. whenever i try to get close, u go back a few steps.. soon we gonna loose each other, even our best friendship.. its all upto u now.. hopefully u will open up, and b urself with me, that ways we will atleast remain the best friends.. and as of now, I still feel we should get married.. i dont know how it will be possible, but something could b worked out.. I was thinking today, like always.. what we had was too perfect! its really hard to reach that level of understanding! the only thing that was missing perhaps was physical attraction.. that can b weighed out and considered as per importance... anyways.. at times even I am confused what to do.. at times i feel like taking the next flight and come and propose u cuz i dont want to loose u.. its foolish of me.. and at times i feel like i have actually moved on.. I guess what i want is to always know everything about u, whether be it as a best friend or husband.. but i have a feeling m nt gonna get any! k, i dunno what crap i am saying.. its 3 and got college tomorrow.. so gonna sleep now.. gnt..

work work

just came back from college.. the courses here are really tough yea... one subject i have taken - "real time systems".. its soo advanced! really dont understanding anything.. one assignment is due this week and I have no idea how to do it! hmm.. might have to drop the course :(

There is a lab today from 5 to 9 at night! .. its crazy.. there is too much work, and I am still the same old procrastinator as always.. kabhi kabhi phir phati hai.. lolz..

gonna take a nap right now.. feel like talking to u.. but u mst b busy in office! hahaa..

crush :)

Guess what.. I just found my new crush.. after a long time! hahaaa.. shes an actress from the series "Legend of the Seeker".. just started watching today.. o bhai she lookss!! hahaa.. maazaa aagaya..! the series is goodd, medieval style with swords and magic.. totally my type.. hehe...

Couple pics from the series.. she looks good yea! :)
http://image.skins.be/1457016/dl-8/
http://image.skins.be/1264832/tlots-21-/

Feeling happy and excited after a longg time.. its like my true self.. the way I always like being..

Met Merone today.. it was good to see her again.. it seems shes going to shift back to my course.. hmm.. i havent told u about her yet na? I think she was the first non indian friend I made over here.. will write about her fursat se.. she keeps messaging, but always kept ignoring until now.. hmm.. anyways...

true value

Feeling better these few dayss.. the pain is still tormenting, but I am learning to cope up with it..

Had a party at our place yesterday.. drank a lot.. talked a lot. It was good.. nice way to get rid of pain and agony for some time.. Late at night me and kartik went to the university and played pool! hahaa.. came back and we were talking and listening to music till like 4:30! it was fun.. a lot of people come here, and they start regretting.. we both agreed on the fact that coming here made us realize a lot of things.. the true value of india, the luxury of friends, food.. I wouldnt ever have realized how much I love you.. yes, it is too late.. but atleast I realized..

In the evening today we went swimmingg! mazaa aaya :) .. me and pravin.. nice way to loosen up the body.. and I can actually swim! its weirdd.. I had taken swimming lessons back in my school days, but I never really got the chance to practice or try it out.. today I was swimming back and forth.. this guy came up to me and told me "u swim pretty fast" .. strangeee.. I told him back that i cant even swim! lolzz.. afterwards we also went to sauna.. sexy it is yea! u sweat soo much that it feels like ur taking a shower or something.. and its damn relaxingg! was feeling light headed and nice.. so kinda tired right now.. accha tha...

I dunno where the hell you are.. u have just disappeared! feel like coming and shouting at youu.. haii.. things have changed so muchhhhh......

yaad

bilkul yaad nahi aayi na? itna din ho gaya... and here I am thinking about you all the time! haiiii.. dunno why I am even bothered...

"Tumhe yaad na meri aayi, kisi se ab kya kehna!" .. hahaa..

Sitting in lab right now.. was trying to do the first assignment of Real Time System with my lab mate... but its too toughh.. for the first time I am seriously not able to understand something.. and the stuff is soo new thats its not even on the internet.. and above all, my lab mate is one hell of a dumb guy... dunno what I am gonna do..

acceptt it

Accept it Neeraj.. please accept it.. the sooner u do it, the less painful it will be..

keep walking

These past few days have been damn tormenting! ahhh.. Havent heard from you the entire week.. dunno where u have disappeared.. was tempted to call u soo many times, but didnt.. I thought u wld mail me or give me a missed call or something.. I guess you are starting a new life.. and i shouldnt complicate things for both of us.. hmm.. you know whats funny tho, I dont know where I see hopes.. and I dont know why I hold on to you.. cuz it all just ends up hurting me..

U will be out there somewhere having a blast watching a movie in theater probably with your new found love.. and here I am sitting miserbleeee.. I was thinking today.. I left India cuz i truly believed my passion and happiness lies somewhere else.. If i had stayed back, I would never have been happy.. I would never understand what I missed and what I didnt.. so i dont regret coming here, it was inevitable.. I had to do it to truly realize, if only you had given us a second chance.. I just wish that now that I understood there would be some way to fix things.. haiiii.. In these past four months I have seen my life and my dreams coming crashing down..

I keep finding myself in darkness.. couple days back the results came out.. Got 5 (distinction) in Computer Security and 3 (passing) in Internet Technology... more than half the people got failed in Internet Technology and no one got distinction.. Its good that i passed, but i dont feel anythinggg.! Its like i am a zombie just doing what i am supposed to do! i dont know what my passion is or where my happiness lies anymore.. its dark.. i feel lost..

It was snowing today! like properly.. snow flakes as light as shredded cotton pieces were dancing all around.. It was sooo pretty.. they keep flying around in the wind until finally reaching the ground.. first time i saw snow falling like that.. it finally made me smile :)

my bike got punctured.. and guess what, the people here dont remove punctures! haiii.. removed the tire and the tube myself.. but cant figure where the puncture is, I need an air pump.. will have to do something about it.. hmm

On wednesday we went to the rotary pub.. was too depressed and your thought was killing mee.. it was good.. there was Thomas and four other french guys.. Had a lot of beer and stuff.. but its just not the same.. always talking in english is tooo much effort.. conversation becomes an effortt and you have to try too hard..! haii.. also they are different people, with different topics and ideas .. its sadd.. there was beer so its good.. but its kinda pointless, you cant enjoy it! seriously man, I am soo lostt!
Those french dude were discussing the serial "how I met your mom".. it seems they love it! I was shocked.. I told them my best friend watches it but I am totally against.. hmm

I feel soo alone walking on this road :( .. but i keep walking.. I always have :(

Into You - Dead By Sunrise

No need to hear your voice
Or see your face
To know that you are with me
No need to kiss your lips
Or hold your hand
To know that you can feel me
I know that you can feel me

When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)
When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)

No need to get locked up
Inside the past
I know that isn't changing
No need to let you go
Or say goodbye
I know that you'll be waiting
I know that you'll be waiting

When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)
When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)

On the other side!

On the other side!

I've got to
Find a way
To keep my pain from burning
Down to the bone
I've got to
Find a way!
To keep my pain from burning!
Down to the bone!
Down to the bone!

When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)
When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)

In the Darkness - Dead by Sunrise

In The Darkness, all that you want from me, is all I have to give
In The Darkness, coming so easily, learning how to live
In The Darkness, all that you want from me, is all I have to give
In The Darkness, coming so easily, learning how to live

I will surrender my sin
And give you control
Make a martyr for love
To the heavens above

In The Darkness, my heart aches at the sight of you
Trembles and quakes within sight of you
In The Darkness

Too Late - Dead By Sunrise

perfect song that expresses my feelings! These days listen to it all the time! ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6wASaMD_8w

It's cold and dark
I think I'm going insane
The end is coming - it's true
I'm all alone and I'm screaming your name
It seems that's all I can do

But it's too late to turn back now
It's too loud to hear the sound
I'm so lost, I can not breathe out
It's too late to turn back now

It's hard to focus when your life is a blur
It's hard to see the truth
How can I move on when there's so much to learn
And every road comes back to you

(2 times)
But it's too late to turn back now
It's too loud to hear the sound
I'm so lost, I can not breathe out
It's too late to turn back now

winter shopping

ayyyeeeeee.. i know how u feel munia! .. thats one thing about our friendship.. I know what ur feeling without u telling me.. its soo true.. anyways.. dont worry! I dont know when I will finally stop loving u.. but i will be fine with time.. ye to hona hi tha.. I had to suffer.. and if we both suffered at the same time, we would probably be together!! hahaaaa.. tragedy ehh?

today i bought winter gloves and winter cap for myself :) .. did some shopping after a long time so happy :) .. last time I did any shopping, I was wid u! misss u yea :)

the secret

watched this documentary called "The Secret".. it was really good!! totally cheered me up :) .. hahaaa.. u must watch it!

This might sound crazy.. but i misss u soo much while cleaning my ear! hahaaa :) .. u use to do it sooo pyar se and acche se.... now i have to do it alone :( .. bahau miss karte hai.....

life

The more I talk to you, the more I think about you and miss you.. I dunno what it is that I keep holding on to.. whatever it is, I need to let it go.. it is false and does not even exist.! haii.. Soon you are going to find someone, get married and settle down.. this stupid dumbass heart of mine does not even understand thatt.. no matter how much I force, its in vain.. god knows what it wants.. where it sees light.. what it holds on to.. why the hell it is sooo afraid of being alone.. why doesnt it understanddd?? that you are gonee??

at times I find myself comparing my life to urs.. and i get sadd.. I know its not about what you have in life that defines happiness, one can just be happy even if there is nothing.. and our lives are soo different! but i guess I am just not able to get over the thought about what I left behind.. its getting harder to be positive and always smiling.

We met a guy the other day from my roomates class.. hes from germany.. huge and tall and smokes & drinks like crazy.. he cycled all the way from Germany to sweden.! it took him like 6 days.. he use to sleep anywhere in between on the grass or on the roadside or something.. and then continue the next day.. i didnt understand at first.. why would somebody do suchh a crazy thing?! its not like he had a friend along with him, he was all alone! .. later on he told us that he had a breakup with with his girlfriend and he did it in agony..! thats when i could totally relate and understand.. love makes u do crazy thingss.. at first its just total miseryy.. but if its serious love, u feel this overwhelming agony and anger.. and the decisions u make because of the pain, changes u forever.. I remember passing through a similar phase when I was in first year.. pooja got a bf and even tho we didnt talk me, it was just soo painful.. that was the time when I suddenly stopped believing in god.. before then I truly believe and relied on god for support.. I was naive.. but yea, things changed, I was too angry... these days I do pray, for your happiness, for my strength.. but its not like a prayer to god, but more like telling myself that such a thing should happen cuz it deserves to happen.. confused eh?

i dont know if love/breakups have the same devastating effect for girls or not.. From what I have seen in life, only guys do stupid things like getting drunk or stoned and calling at night (murgi, dahi, several others), cycling for 6 days (the german dude), stop believing in god (me), running until exhaustion everyday (me), drunk driving and accidents (dahi), heavily drinking (basetti), writing angry/senti mails (viraj, murgi, me), writing a blog (me)....... the list can go on.. and from what i have seen, girls only end up crying for a few months and then move on.. I am not targeting you so dont get mad.. I am saying in general.. looking at ritika, divya, radhika, some of ur friends and so on... I am not trying to prove anything.. i dont want to prove anything.. I am just writing whats in my mindd.. nashikkar once told me.. girls have a lot of options, there are always guys waiting in line.. so there is no time for misery or agony.. yeah, its true..

I still have a long longg way to go.. and there is no sign of relief.! yeah, u will think that I deserve it and blame me because I left.. I will always blame myself because I left.. u have moved on.. It will take some time for me to do the same.. its the story of the world..

Instead of focusing on u, I should focus on things I do have control on.. but sadly it doesnt work like that.. love is love.. some people are lucky to realize it and are happy.. others stay miserable until time passes...........

Friday Night

Its Friday night.. I am sitting at home doing timepass.. watching movies, surfing net, getting boredd.. There is nothing much to do.. We can go to a pub, but then its expensive, cant do that often! This is what I did since the evening: made chicken, watched house.. got bored, read online news.. made rice, ate rice.. watched GI Joe.. had cigg.. and now I am just sitting here and thinking.. Life has become sad.. I dont like it..

Was looking at all our photos... life was soo goodd..! kitne acche din the yaar! tension free, always smiling.. it was perfect.. it actually was.. shopping, talking, coffee, bike rides, movies and it goes on... And the thing is I knew it was the perfect and happy life.. but still I leftttttt.. gods know what I wanted to prove.. whom I wanted to prove.. whyy I wanted to prove? .. whatever happens, it happens for the good.. I always believed in that! but these days I am starting to doubt it.. I still feel you soo much within me.. that at times just ur thought brings tears to my eyes..

memories

Just read this line u wrote me somewhere:

Tumhe bhi yaad nahi aur main bhi bhool gaya.. Woh lamha kitna hassen tha, magar fizool gaya....

Seems like I will always misss u :(

support

we started talking.. but somehow it doesnt feel the same.. u dont talk much and dont have much to say.. ur reason is that I will become the weird neeraj I was a couple weeks back! hmm.. I guess ur right to some extent.. I still do depend on u.. feel like talking to u the whole day.. I dont know if the feeling is friendship or something else..

I am trying to move on.. and somewhat I have.. I dont feel jealous anymore.. and I am actually happy for you and your future relation.. thats not the problem.. the problem is that I am kinda scared about my own life.. not even about my love life.. but just life in general.. and I really need a friend, someone to talk to.. this place is actually depressing.. my roommates are full of shittt.. and i dont have any friends to talk to.. I am trying to make new friends and socialize, but its turning out to be a damn slow process.. hmm.. the food is badd.. weather is depressing (today sunset at 4pm!!).. work load is too highh.. and when all these reasons add up, it makes me kinda weak.. anyways.. my conclusion: i have gone thru hell several times before.. I will get through this one as well.. whether I get support or not..

we talked!!

u unblocked me rite now! and finally ur talking to me..! thank godd.. i am finally smiling and happy after several weeks.. yesterday was good, I was getting over you.. but most of today i was again in the same depressing mood.. but its the best rite now after talking to u I guess! hahaaa.. its weird u know, my mood entirely depends on u .. it has to change, and it will, just needs time... hmm

kinda hungry rite now.. thinking of making chicken today! hahaa.. finally, I am again excited about cooking and eating something good! lol.. otherwise every single joy and excitement in life was just dead.. hahaaa..

need to go buy some bread and onionss.. its already 8 and willies closes at 9.. will write laterz..

pub crawl

yesterday was a good day... for the first time in weeks I was feeling somewhat free, tension less, and your thought wasnt bothering me too much.. it was such a relief.. but today seems the same again .. lol..

anyways...

for the first time in Sweden I got drunk! at pub crawl yesterday... mazaa aaya! it was just me and pravin.. called a lot of people, but there were all busy doing something or another! but it was still fun.. first we went to the microtechnology pub.. had a lot of beer! there were sexy girls.. one of them was wearing garter stocking, microskirt, a white shirt which ws tied below her boobs and nothing at the waist! .. sexy it was.. she looked amazing.. and then from there we went to the architecture pub.. it was even better.! had a couple more beers and was already kinda high.. danced a bit and then was sitting at the sofa.. in the end, pravin came and gave me another beer! .. i ws like shitt.. just cuz of that I puked after coming back home.. lol... but otherwise it was fun. the main is that the songs were in english.. i guess thats the main reason we could enjoy!

had the mezmu meeting couple days back.. they want me to make a scrapbook (advanced version of paint) using html 5.0, canvas element, jquery and Php.. and guess what, there is no base code available, the whole thing has to be done from scratch.. n while tats not a stretch, but I dont have a team and have to do it by myself! hahaaa.. hell man.. if i deliver it successfully, I will get about 1,500 SEK.. which is not a lot! .. hmm.. lets see. already told them that i might not be able to do it as i hve three classes and that is my first priority.. anyways..

mindset

Weather these days is soo depressingg! it gets totally dark and cold at just 5 in the eveningg! its crazyy.. I always knew that doing masters in a different country would be toughh.. and I had prepared my mindset for it.. but I am still finding everything increasingly difficultt.. especially the disaster we had, it totally broke me apart..

everyday, all the time i keep telling myself to let it go.. and slowly I am.. but it will take time.. its a lot harder cuz i am free most of the day and got nothing to do but sit here thinking.. hell man, its the same even when i am busy in lectures or something.. lolz..

hold on.. kuch kaam hai.. will write later..

everything has become sooo sickkk.. i just feel like running away...

chid chid

aaj kal bahaut chid chid ho rahi hai yaar... everything feels oddly out of place.. had distributed systems lecture in the morning.. half the time I ws thinking about u and the other half i was sleeping! .. haiii.. on our first valentines we had gone to the khadakwasla dam.. we dipped our foot in water even! for some reason those pictures kept flashing in my mind while I was sitting in the class.. howw bigg? the black jacket u wore, ur smile, the happiness and new excitement.. it all kept coming.. haiii.. dont know what I am gonna do like this..

dunno where to find solace.. the other day me and nashikkar were exchanging mails.. and then we talked on phone.. he kept telling me that if u really loved me u wld have considered me when I realized.. the fact that u found someone else and start prefering him over me in just a couple months means that I should forget and move on.. He is right.. but moving on is harder than it seems.. hmm.. atleast talking to him made me feel a little better..

Have the mezmu job meeting today.. hope it goes alright.. cuz nothing isss...!

Guzarish

Whenever i listen to this song everything just comes back to me.. all the feelings, all the thoughts.. How many times i have listened to this song wid u... nd how many times i have cried listening to it...

I remember we sitting in CCD and this song was playing.. The strange part is that I knew it was the best and happiest point in my life.. and i knew it would be fuckall over here.. But I stilllll didnt realize it.. and I still didnt fight for it.. goddd.. i could blame myself throughout my life for this...

song:
Sheeshe Ke Khwaab Lekke, Raaton Mein Chal Raha Hon
Takrana Jao Kahin...
Aasha Ki Lon Hain Roshan, Phir Bhi Toffan Ka Dhar Hain
Lon Bhuj Na Jaye Kahin...
Bas Eak Haan Ki Guzaarish, Phir Hogi Khusiyon Ki Baarish
Tu Meri Adhuri Pyas Pyas, Tu Agayi Mann Ko Ras Ras
Aab Tho Thu Aaja Pass Pas..., Hain Guzaaarish

Chanda Hain Aasman Hain, Aur Badal Bhee Gane Hain
Yeh Chandaaa Chup Jaye Na...
Tanhayi Das Rahin Hain, Aur Dhadkan Bad Rahi Hain
Eak Pal Bhi Chain Aaye Na...
Kaisi Aajab Dastaan Hain, Bheechainiyan Baas Yahan Hain.....

remembrance...

These days for some reason everything reminds me of youu.. the amazing wrist watch u gifted.. the black lee cooper shoes.. the wallet which we bought after looking through practically all the malls in pune.. Its crazy.. in lectures, I start day dreaming.. its badd.. my heart pains...

watering eyes

Its cold these days.. my eyes start watering whenever I go outside.. the funny part is, at times I dont realize whether I am actually crying or its just the cold :'(

Today is the fifth day since you have stopped talking to me.. y muniaa? baat hi karna band kar diya? .. kitna saat diya hai yaar.. kya kya nahi dekha saath me.. and it boils down to nothingg..? I dont want to believe that.. I never gave up on u as a person.. then yy? haii.. I cant believe I am fighting for our friendship.. I always thought that it is one thing that we will always always have... The fact that u r not talking to me proves only two things: either i have become a degrading unimportant person in ur life or u started believing in "friendship between ex is bullshit".. I dont want to believe in either of them... please dont make me munia...

the days u dont talk to me go by sooo slow.. I have nothing much to do, no one to talk to .. I just sit here in front of my computer.. thinkingg, remembering, regretting..

Had a weird dream today.. I was in the Kothrud flat.. someone rang the bell.. and as soon as I opened the door, I got shot.. I fell to the floor.. in came this female assassin or something with a gun in her hand.. I was not dead, so she shot me twice more near my neck.. I still wasnt dead, just lying down... after some time, she came and pressed down on my wounds with her foot.. I could somewhat feel the pain and was going unconscious.. And just as I thought I was going to die, I suddenly got up with a jerk.. Weird it was..

I was late for college... and when i went down, i found my cycle tire flat! haii.. jindigi barbaad haii...

Angerrr

After a long time I can once again feel anger within me.. Its like the long sleeping part of my soul is rising once again.. The last time it happened, I was in 11th grade.. and thats when I had joined cross country.. Hell, I hadnt even joined cross country.. it was one fine day, there was soo much anger inside of me that I just started running.. I ran for 10 km at a stretch and same the next day and the day after.. eventually I got selected for top 7 runners....

I dont know whts gna happen this time around.. time will tell.. I have signed up for 4 courses this study period.. twice as much as recommended.. Lets see.. either i will fail miserably or find a new side of myself...

Welcome Text

Just turned on my cell phone a while back.. you had wrote a welcome greeting message on my cell phone: "Luv u" .. haiii.. all I could do was stare at the screen.. had to remove the welcome message, otherwise u would kill me every time I turn on my cell.. :'(

A depressing sunday morning

Today morning, I opened my eyes, got up and sat on the edge of the bed.. I had this distinct depressing and engrossing feeling, it was as if my whole body was being consumed by a strange force in the middle of my heart.. It was a feeling I had for the first time in my life.. It was the feeling of loneliness.. not physical loneliness, there are many people and friends around me.. but it was heart loneliness.. It is the feeling u get when u realize that no one in the world truly cares for you.. yes, it is a feeling that is hard to experience, as that can never be true.. How can it be possible that "no one" cares for you?? and yet why did i have such a heart churning feeling? My parents care for me, infact they love me, I know that.. But i could never understand their love and I never found solace in their caring and affection for me.. so this whole feeling thing is true to some extent.. I guess it can be said as: I cannot find solace/comfort/calmness in anybody's care for me.. It hurts..

I have been sooo dependent on your love.. And now that it is gone, it feels as iff.. as iff.. as if a tree has lost its source of sunlight and has to live in darkness.. These days i find myself asking "whats the point of going on in life?" .. it is such a negative question, but it just comes up in my mind every now and then.. The way I look at things has completely changed compared to a couple weeks back.. Its fall season, all the tree leaves are turning yellow and orange and falling down to the ground.. its such a pretty sight. But when I look at it, I can feel only sadness.. I was soo excited for getting the mezmu job.. we have a meeting on Wednesday, but now I am not even happy or proud about it, I dont even know if I want to go and do the job.. Its as if everything has lost its purpose..

Yesterday, a couple of our friends had come over for dinner and party.. we were doing a question and answer round.. The question was "at which point in your life did u feel the most happy and lucky?".. I was thinking the whole time until it was my turn to answer.. For me, I passed my engineering with a first class.. I had an accident where it was unsure whether I would live or not, and I was lucky enough to survive it.. I got a good job in pune.. I got admission in Sweden.. But none of them even come close to the happiest point in my life when I felt like the luckiest person alive.. It was your birthday: 8th August, 2008.. I told them that and they were surprised!

Its 3 in the afternoon rite now and it is already getting dark outside.. suchh a depressing and gloomy weather.. I seriously dont know how I am going to survive my next couple years over here..

heart pains

you have stopped talking to me.. the feeling is soo acrid that I cannot even describe it.. i am here for the past couple days doing nothing but just wondering, thinking about god knows whattt.. I dont get thirsty or hungry.. whenever I try to sleep, my heart aces likes crazy.. dont feel like cooking, showering, going out, watching a movie.. nothing.. its like I have become a soul-less body that has no idea what the hell to do.. like a trapped, powerless ghost who has to leave this realm but doesnt want to.. i feel soo stuck and suffocated.. the feeling is so intense that i cant even explain it..... :(

Ever wondered what people mean when they say their "heart pains"? .. i have found out.. its happening for the past two days everytime I think about u.. u know, it actually physically pains.. I never thought such a thing could happen and always laughed at it.. how can there be pain in heart? its an involuntary muscle! .. but it truly happens.. it doesnt last long, just a second perhaps.. but just that second takes the air out of you.. haiii.. i guess its cuz of the realization that i have totally lost u.. u aint talking to me :( .. its too much for my heart to take... somebody help me :'(