A depressing sunday morning

Today morning, I opened my eyes, got up and sat on the edge of the bed.. I had this distinct depressing and engrossing feeling, it was as if my whole body was being consumed by a strange force in the middle of my heart.. It was a feeling I had for the first time in my life.. It was the feeling of loneliness.. not physical loneliness, there are many people and friends around me.. but it was heart loneliness.. It is the feeling u get when u realize that no one in the world truly cares for you.. yes, it is a feeling that is hard to experience, as that can never be true.. How can it be possible that "no one" cares for you?? and yet why did i have such a heart churning feeling? My parents care for me, infact they love me, I know that.. But i could never understand their love and I never found solace in their caring and affection for me.. so this whole feeling thing is true to some extent.. I guess it can be said as: I cannot find solace/comfort/calmness in anybody's care for me.. It hurts..

I have been sooo dependent on your love.. And now that it is gone, it feels as iff.. as iff.. as if a tree has lost its source of sunlight and has to live in darkness.. These days i find myself asking "whats the point of going on in life?" .. it is such a negative question, but it just comes up in my mind every now and then.. The way I look at things has completely changed compared to a couple weeks back.. Its fall season, all the tree leaves are turning yellow and orange and falling down to the ground.. its such a pretty sight. But when I look at it, I can feel only sadness.. I was soo excited for getting the mezmu job.. we have a meeting on Wednesday, but now I am not even happy or proud about it, I dont even know if I want to go and do the job.. Its as if everything has lost its purpose..

Yesterday, a couple of our friends had come over for dinner and party.. we were doing a question and answer round.. The question was "at which point in your life did u feel the most happy and lucky?".. I was thinking the whole time until it was my turn to answer.. For me, I passed my engineering with a first class.. I had an accident where it was unsure whether I would live or not, and I was lucky enough to survive it.. I got a good job in pune.. I got admission in Sweden.. But none of them even come close to the happiest point in my life when I felt like the luckiest person alive.. It was your birthday: 8th August, 2008.. I told them that and they were surprised!

Its 3 in the afternoon rite now and it is already getting dark outside.. suchh a depressing and gloomy weather.. I seriously dont know how I am going to survive my next couple years over here..