life

The more I talk to you, the more I think about you and miss you.. I dunno what it is that I keep holding on to.. whatever it is, I need to let it go.. it is false and does not even exist.! haii.. Soon you are going to find someone, get married and settle down.. this stupid dumbass heart of mine does not even understand thatt.. no matter how much I force, its in vain.. god knows what it wants.. where it sees light.. what it holds on to.. why the hell it is sooo afraid of being alone.. why doesnt it understanddd?? that you are gonee??

at times I find myself comparing my life to urs.. and i get sadd.. I know its not about what you have in life that defines happiness, one can just be happy even if there is nothing.. and our lives are soo different! but i guess I am just not able to get over the thought about what I left behind.. its getting harder to be positive and always smiling.

We met a guy the other day from my roomates class.. hes from germany.. huge and tall and smokes & drinks like crazy.. he cycled all the way from Germany to sweden.! it took him like 6 days.. he use to sleep anywhere in between on the grass or on the roadside or something.. and then continue the next day.. i didnt understand at first.. why would somebody do suchh a crazy thing?! its not like he had a friend along with him, he was all alone! .. later on he told us that he had a breakup with with his girlfriend and he did it in agony..! thats when i could totally relate and understand.. love makes u do crazy thingss.. at first its just total miseryy.. but if its serious love, u feel this overwhelming agony and anger.. and the decisions u make because of the pain, changes u forever.. I remember passing through a similar phase when I was in first year.. pooja got a bf and even tho we didnt talk me, it was just soo painful.. that was the time when I suddenly stopped believing in god.. before then I truly believe and relied on god for support.. I was naive.. but yea, things changed, I was too angry... these days I do pray, for your happiness, for my strength.. but its not like a prayer to god, but more like telling myself that such a thing should happen cuz it deserves to happen.. confused eh?

i dont know if love/breakups have the same devastating effect for girls or not.. From what I have seen in life, only guys do stupid things like getting drunk or stoned and calling at night (murgi, dahi, several others), cycling for 6 days (the german dude), stop believing in god (me), running until exhaustion everyday (me), drunk driving and accidents (dahi), heavily drinking (basetti), writing angry/senti mails (viraj, murgi, me), writing a blog (me)....... the list can go on.. and from what i have seen, girls only end up crying for a few months and then move on.. I am not targeting you so dont get mad.. I am saying in general.. looking at ritika, divya, radhika, some of ur friends and so on... I am not trying to prove anything.. i dont want to prove anything.. I am just writing whats in my mindd.. nashikkar once told me.. girls have a lot of options, there are always guys waiting in line.. so there is no time for misery or agony.. yeah, its true..

I still have a long longg way to go.. and there is no sign of relief.! yeah, u will think that I deserve it and blame me because I left.. I will always blame myself because I left.. u have moved on.. It will take some time for me to do the same.. its the story of the world..

Instead of focusing on u, I should focus on things I do have control on.. but sadly it doesnt work like that.. love is love.. some people are lucky to realize it and are happy.. others stay miserable until time passes...........