happy :)

for the first time after ages i felt happy yesterday from the inside!! slept soo peacefully at night.. It was as if i had forgotten what its like to sleep in peace and without any stress.. Otherwise ever since I have come to sweden, everythings been too weird and tensed.. I never felt at home. All the nights, I slept with a burden.. Its going to be the same even now, i can already feel tension about some of the things.. but yesterday for some reason, everything seemed alright.. I guess its cuz of saturday night and finally talked to u.. and i guess it was mainly the feeling of hope, that u still love and something could work..

We were happy together.. and that is the only thing that counts! .. i have pondered too much on how we can get married and how everything would be.. it has ups and downs.. but at the end of the day, if we can be happy to be together, nothing else matters! i dunno.. at times i feel i am rushing myself.. thinking about marriage when i have soo far to go.. if i had a sexy job right now na, no one could have sstopped me.. lol.. it all is really confusing, and no matter how much u think about it, there is no conclusion.. I think time will give a solution, there is no point in rushing into everything.. anyways..

Talked to my uncle in England today.. going to start my visa process this week.. If everything works out, i will be there for Christmas! hehe..

Its 2... gonna sleep now.. this week onwards everything is going to be hectic.. too many assignments left and the exams are also coming up! haii.. gnt

remember I always told u, the day we both are mad at each other together.. we will loose everything we ever had! hmm..

I am mad.. u know itt.. but probably i am not so important to u anymore.. anyways.. even i cant let my heart keep holding on to something that doesnt exist.. it hurts soo much everyday.. sooo much prachi.. plzz take it away somehow.. u have ur new found love.. but i am hurting alone...

bahaut ho gaya

yeah ur right.. i have learned my lesson.. I got much better and important things to do! and ur not at all worth it! bahaut ho gaya ab ye natak..

questioning sound

I dunno if u trying to make me mad and angry.. so that i will stop bothering u or something.. i dunno! but congrats, its workingg! the way u talk at times, its like all ur irritation transfers directly on me.. and u were irritated today, dont lie to me!! something, mayb small or mayb big, but something was thr.. its not good.. I was happy the whole day until I made the mistake of talking to u.. howww? and where the hell is ur varun now? of what use is hee!! hell man..

anyways.. trying to calm down.. gonna write about my yesterdays experience!

mazaa aagaya at the rotary pub! these french people can be fun.. hahaa.. one of the guys, he is magician or something.. he had gotten a deck of cards.. and he was sooo good at it!! some of the tricks he performed were just amazingg.. we were just sitting there in awe! he could be compared to david blane or something! hahaa..

got quite drunk.. dont really remember much tho.. dnt even remember the blog i wrote.. lolz.. its soo embarrassing, but didnt delete it.. its weird, before no matter how drunk i got, next i always remembered everything exactly as it happened.. but its been more than a year now i think since the "not remembering" effect has kicked in.. hmm.. anyways..

These guys are offering a masters thesis at IIT Bombay!! hopefully they have projects related to networking.. then i can try for it! .. I dont like the life ovr here.. its too much of an effort. mayb its just this country thats so bad.. but m loosing my heart and courage to stay outside cuz of this experience.. hmm. lets see..

Thinking of going to my uncles place in england in December.. the visa process is kinda complex.. but hopefully it will work out! hehe..

got two assignments due on monday!! have a lot lott to do.. and i am here watching movies and series.. lolzz.

otherwise life is gooood :)

goddd.. ur getting incredibly irritating these days! its becoming harder to talk u.. u always tend to direct all ur anger on me! its not right.. and it effects me a very negative way.. I left, but it had to be done! for a better future.. and everything is not lost.. its all in ur hands.. stop being so angry and irritated..

m kinda drunk! the beer here is quite strong yea.. havent really gotten use to it...

just hilaofied.. it takes soooo much long to ejaclaulate when ur drunk.. and its soo much more effort!! hhaii.. m tired.. lolz

mazaa aaya aaj! .. it was good.. the next two days have to work really hard to finish off my assignments.. haiii.. lets see how it goes.

I love u.. u know that! kinda feeling thrkey rite now.. lol.. was remembering how we often we made out at goa! lolz..

anyays.. take care.. gna sleep now.. not feeling too well.. feel nauseated.. gnt

this is it..

just finished watching the latest episode of house.. I dont like it as much as i use to.. or mayb it was just this episode (S06E07).. It makes u feel weird. as if dont really understand or have a grasp on life or something.. hahaaa.. yea, dunno how to describe the feeling.

great u kno.. its just great! so now I am not supposed to call u even.. the heights is that the less i talk to u the more i miss u and think about u!!! hell, its killing..
but I feel this is going to be the turning tip now.. I wnt call often, u nvr gna b online, u for sure wont give me a missed call (u havent even given me one yet, its like u just dont miss me!).. and yea, we are gonna end up being out of touch.. whenever i do call, it will b short, something like hi bye types.. so yea, i guess this is it.. even i think i am loosing my patience now.. tried too hard to know u, know ur feelings and thoughts.. tried hard to tell u that i really do love u.. but ur just distancing urself away from me.. whenever i try to get close, u go back a few steps.. soon we gonna loose each other, even our best friendship.. its all upto u now.. hopefully u will open up, and b urself with me, that ways we will atleast remain the best friends.. and as of now, I still feel we should get married.. i dont know how it will be possible, but something could b worked out.. I was thinking today, like always.. what we had was too perfect! its really hard to reach that level of understanding! the only thing that was missing perhaps was physical attraction.. that can b weighed out and considered as per importance... anyways.. at times even I am confused what to do.. at times i feel like taking the next flight and come and propose u cuz i dont want to loose u.. its foolish of me.. and at times i feel like i have actually moved on.. I guess what i want is to always know everything about u, whether be it as a best friend or husband.. but i have a feeling m nt gonna get any! k, i dunno what crap i am saying.. its 3 and got college tomorrow.. so gonna sleep now.. gnt..

work work

just came back from college.. the courses here are really tough yea... one subject i have taken - "real time systems".. its soo advanced! really dont understanding anything.. one assignment is due this week and I have no idea how to do it! hmm.. might have to drop the course :(

There is a lab today from 5 to 9 at night! .. its crazy.. there is too much work, and I am still the same old procrastinator as always.. kabhi kabhi phir phati hai.. lolz..

gonna take a nap right now.. feel like talking to u.. but u mst b busy in office! hahaa..

crush :)

Guess what.. I just found my new crush.. after a long time! hahaaa.. shes an actress from the series "Legend of the Seeker".. just started watching today.. o bhai she lookss!! hahaa.. maazaa aagaya..! the series is goodd, medieval style with swords and magic.. totally my type.. hehe...

Couple pics from the series.. she looks good yea! :)
http://image.skins.be/1457016/dl-8/
http://image.skins.be/1264832/tlots-21-/

Feeling happy and excited after a longg time.. its like my true self.. the way I always like being..

Met Merone today.. it was good to see her again.. it seems shes going to shift back to my course.. hmm.. i havent told u about her yet na? I think she was the first non indian friend I made over here.. will write about her fursat se.. she keeps messaging, but always kept ignoring until now.. hmm.. anyways...

true value

Feeling better these few dayss.. the pain is still tormenting, but I am learning to cope up with it..

Had a party at our place yesterday.. drank a lot.. talked a lot. It was good.. nice way to get rid of pain and agony for some time.. Late at night me and kartik went to the university and played pool! hahaa.. came back and we were talking and listening to music till like 4:30! it was fun.. a lot of people come here, and they start regretting.. we both agreed on the fact that coming here made us realize a lot of things.. the true value of india, the luxury of friends, food.. I wouldnt ever have realized how much I love you.. yes, it is too late.. but atleast I realized..

In the evening today we went swimmingg! mazaa aaya :) .. me and pravin.. nice way to loosen up the body.. and I can actually swim! its weirdd.. I had taken swimming lessons back in my school days, but I never really got the chance to practice or try it out.. today I was swimming back and forth.. this guy came up to me and told me "u swim pretty fast" .. strangeee.. I told him back that i cant even swim! lolzz.. afterwards we also went to sauna.. sexy it is yea! u sweat soo much that it feels like ur taking a shower or something.. and its damn relaxingg! was feeling light headed and nice.. so kinda tired right now.. accha tha...

I dunno where the hell you are.. u have just disappeared! feel like coming and shouting at youu.. haii.. things have changed so muchhhhh......

yaad

bilkul yaad nahi aayi na? itna din ho gaya... and here I am thinking about you all the time! haiiii.. dunno why I am even bothered...

"Tumhe yaad na meri aayi, kisi se ab kya kehna!" .. hahaa..

Sitting in lab right now.. was trying to do the first assignment of Real Time System with my lab mate... but its too toughh.. for the first time I am seriously not able to understand something.. and the stuff is soo new thats its not even on the internet.. and above all, my lab mate is one hell of a dumb guy... dunno what I am gonna do..

acceptt it

Accept it Neeraj.. please accept it.. the sooner u do it, the less painful it will be..

keep walking

These past few days have been damn tormenting! ahhh.. Havent heard from you the entire week.. dunno where u have disappeared.. was tempted to call u soo many times, but didnt.. I thought u wld mail me or give me a missed call or something.. I guess you are starting a new life.. and i shouldnt complicate things for both of us.. hmm.. you know whats funny tho, I dont know where I see hopes.. and I dont know why I hold on to you.. cuz it all just ends up hurting me..

U will be out there somewhere having a blast watching a movie in theater probably with your new found love.. and here I am sitting miserbleeee.. I was thinking today.. I left India cuz i truly believed my passion and happiness lies somewhere else.. If i had stayed back, I would never have been happy.. I would never understand what I missed and what I didnt.. so i dont regret coming here, it was inevitable.. I had to do it to truly realize, if only you had given us a second chance.. I just wish that now that I understood there would be some way to fix things.. haiiii.. In these past four months I have seen my life and my dreams coming crashing down..

I keep finding myself in darkness.. couple days back the results came out.. Got 5 (distinction) in Computer Security and 3 (passing) in Internet Technology... more than half the people got failed in Internet Technology and no one got distinction.. Its good that i passed, but i dont feel anythinggg.! Its like i am a zombie just doing what i am supposed to do! i dont know what my passion is or where my happiness lies anymore.. its dark.. i feel lost..

It was snowing today! like properly.. snow flakes as light as shredded cotton pieces were dancing all around.. It was sooo pretty.. they keep flying around in the wind until finally reaching the ground.. first time i saw snow falling like that.. it finally made me smile :)

my bike got punctured.. and guess what, the people here dont remove punctures! haiii.. removed the tire and the tube myself.. but cant figure where the puncture is, I need an air pump.. will have to do something about it.. hmm

On wednesday we went to the rotary pub.. was too depressed and your thought was killing mee.. it was good.. there was Thomas and four other french guys.. Had a lot of beer and stuff.. but its just not the same.. always talking in english is tooo much effort.. conversation becomes an effortt and you have to try too hard..! haii.. also they are different people, with different topics and ideas .. its sadd.. there was beer so its good.. but its kinda pointless, you cant enjoy it! seriously man, I am soo lostt!
Those french dude were discussing the serial "how I met your mom".. it seems they love it! I was shocked.. I told them my best friend watches it but I am totally against.. hmm

I feel soo alone walking on this road :( .. but i keep walking.. I always have :(

Into You - Dead By Sunrise

No need to hear your voice
Or see your face
To know that you are with me
No need to kiss your lips
Or hold your hand
To know that you can feel me
I know that you can feel me

When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)
When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)

No need to get locked up
Inside the past
I know that isn't changing
No need to let you go
Or say goodbye
I know that you'll be waiting
I know that you'll be waiting

When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)
When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)

On the other side!

On the other side!

I've got to
Find a way
To keep my pain from burning
Down to the bone
I've got to
Find a way!
To keep my pain from burning!
Down to the bone!
Down to the bone!

When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)
When I look to the stars
I know just where you are
You're looking down upon me
(You're looking down upon me)

In the Darkness - Dead by Sunrise

In The Darkness, all that you want from me, is all I have to give
In The Darkness, coming so easily, learning how to live
In The Darkness, all that you want from me, is all I have to give
In The Darkness, coming so easily, learning how to live

I will surrender my sin
And give you control
Make a martyr for love
To the heavens above

In The Darkness, my heart aches at the sight of you
Trembles and quakes within sight of you
In The Darkness

Too Late - Dead By Sunrise

perfect song that expresses my feelings! These days listen to it all the time! ..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6wASaMD_8w

It's cold and dark
I think I'm going insane
The end is coming - it's true
I'm all alone and I'm screaming your name
It seems that's all I can do

But it's too late to turn back now
It's too loud to hear the sound
I'm so lost, I can not breathe out
It's too late to turn back now

It's hard to focus when your life is a blur
It's hard to see the truth
How can I move on when there's so much to learn
And every road comes back to you

(2 times)
But it's too late to turn back now
It's too loud to hear the sound
I'm so lost, I can not breathe out
It's too late to turn back now

winter shopping

ayyyeeeeee.. i know how u feel munia! .. thats one thing about our friendship.. I know what ur feeling without u telling me.. its soo true.. anyways.. dont worry! I dont know when I will finally stop loving u.. but i will be fine with time.. ye to hona hi tha.. I had to suffer.. and if we both suffered at the same time, we would probably be together!! hahaaaa.. tragedy ehh?

today i bought winter gloves and winter cap for myself :) .. did some shopping after a long time so happy :) .. last time I did any shopping, I was wid u! misss u yea :)

the secret

watched this documentary called "The Secret".. it was really good!! totally cheered me up :) .. hahaaa.. u must watch it!

This might sound crazy.. but i misss u soo much while cleaning my ear! hahaaa :) .. u use to do it sooo pyar se and acche se.... now i have to do it alone :( .. bahau miss karte hai.....

life

The more I talk to you, the more I think about you and miss you.. I dunno what it is that I keep holding on to.. whatever it is, I need to let it go.. it is false and does not even exist.! haii.. Soon you are going to find someone, get married and settle down.. this stupid dumbass heart of mine does not even understand thatt.. no matter how much I force, its in vain.. god knows what it wants.. where it sees light.. what it holds on to.. why the hell it is sooo afraid of being alone.. why doesnt it understanddd?? that you are gonee??

at times I find myself comparing my life to urs.. and i get sadd.. I know its not about what you have in life that defines happiness, one can just be happy even if there is nothing.. and our lives are soo different! but i guess I am just not able to get over the thought about what I left behind.. its getting harder to be positive and always smiling.

We met a guy the other day from my roomates class.. hes from germany.. huge and tall and smokes & drinks like crazy.. he cycled all the way from Germany to sweden.! it took him like 6 days.. he use to sleep anywhere in between on the grass or on the roadside or something.. and then continue the next day.. i didnt understand at first.. why would somebody do suchh a crazy thing?! its not like he had a friend along with him, he was all alone! .. later on he told us that he had a breakup with with his girlfriend and he did it in agony..! thats when i could totally relate and understand.. love makes u do crazy thingss.. at first its just total miseryy.. but if its serious love, u feel this overwhelming agony and anger.. and the decisions u make because of the pain, changes u forever.. I remember passing through a similar phase when I was in first year.. pooja got a bf and even tho we didnt talk me, it was just soo painful.. that was the time when I suddenly stopped believing in god.. before then I truly believe and relied on god for support.. I was naive.. but yea, things changed, I was too angry... these days I do pray, for your happiness, for my strength.. but its not like a prayer to god, but more like telling myself that such a thing should happen cuz it deserves to happen.. confused eh?

i dont know if love/breakups have the same devastating effect for girls or not.. From what I have seen in life, only guys do stupid things like getting drunk or stoned and calling at night (murgi, dahi, several others), cycling for 6 days (the german dude), stop believing in god (me), running until exhaustion everyday (me), drunk driving and accidents (dahi), heavily drinking (basetti), writing angry/senti mails (viraj, murgi, me), writing a blog (me)....... the list can go on.. and from what i have seen, girls only end up crying for a few months and then move on.. I am not targeting you so dont get mad.. I am saying in general.. looking at ritika, divya, radhika, some of ur friends and so on... I am not trying to prove anything.. i dont want to prove anything.. I am just writing whats in my mindd.. nashikkar once told me.. girls have a lot of options, there are always guys waiting in line.. so there is no time for misery or agony.. yeah, its true..

I still have a long longg way to go.. and there is no sign of relief.! yeah, u will think that I deserve it and blame me because I left.. I will always blame myself because I left.. u have moved on.. It will take some time for me to do the same.. its the story of the world..

Instead of focusing on u, I should focus on things I do have control on.. but sadly it doesnt work like that.. love is love.. some people are lucky to realize it and are happy.. others stay miserable until time passes...........

Friday Night

Its Friday night.. I am sitting at home doing timepass.. watching movies, surfing net, getting boredd.. There is nothing much to do.. We can go to a pub, but then its expensive, cant do that often! This is what I did since the evening: made chicken, watched house.. got bored, read online news.. made rice, ate rice.. watched GI Joe.. had cigg.. and now I am just sitting here and thinking.. Life has become sad.. I dont like it..

Was looking at all our photos... life was soo goodd..! kitne acche din the yaar! tension free, always smiling.. it was perfect.. it actually was.. shopping, talking, coffee, bike rides, movies and it goes on... And the thing is I knew it was the perfect and happy life.. but still I leftttttt.. gods know what I wanted to prove.. whom I wanted to prove.. whyy I wanted to prove? .. whatever happens, it happens for the good.. I always believed in that! but these days I am starting to doubt it.. I still feel you soo much within me.. that at times just ur thought brings tears to my eyes..

memories

Just read this line u wrote me somewhere:

Tumhe bhi yaad nahi aur main bhi bhool gaya.. Woh lamha kitna hassen tha, magar fizool gaya....

Seems like I will always misss u :(