support

we started talking.. but somehow it doesnt feel the same.. u dont talk much and dont have much to say.. ur reason is that I will become the weird neeraj I was a couple weeks back! hmm.. I guess ur right to some extent.. I still do depend on u.. feel like talking to u the whole day.. I dont know if the feeling is friendship or something else..

I am trying to move on.. and somewhat I have.. I dont feel jealous anymore.. and I am actually happy for you and your future relation.. thats not the problem.. the problem is that I am kinda scared about my own life.. not even about my love life.. but just life in general.. and I really need a friend, someone to talk to.. this place is actually depressing.. my roommates are full of shittt.. and i dont have any friends to talk to.. I am trying to make new friends and socialize, but its turning out to be a damn slow process.. hmm.. the food is badd.. weather is depressing (today sunset at 4pm!!).. work load is too highh.. and when all these reasons add up, it makes me kinda weak.. anyways.. my conclusion: i have gone thru hell several times before.. I will get through this one as well.. whether I get support or not..

we talked!!

u unblocked me rite now! and finally ur talking to me..! thank godd.. i am finally smiling and happy after several weeks.. yesterday was good, I was getting over you.. but most of today i was again in the same depressing mood.. but its the best rite now after talking to u I guess! hahaaa.. its weird u know, my mood entirely depends on u .. it has to change, and it will, just needs time... hmm

kinda hungry rite now.. thinking of making chicken today! hahaa.. finally, I am again excited about cooking and eating something good! lol.. otherwise every single joy and excitement in life was just dead.. hahaaa..

need to go buy some bread and onionss.. its already 8 and willies closes at 9.. will write laterz..

pub crawl

yesterday was a good day... for the first time in weeks I was feeling somewhat free, tension less, and your thought wasnt bothering me too much.. it was such a relief.. but today seems the same again .. lol..

anyways...

for the first time in Sweden I got drunk! at pub crawl yesterday... mazaa aaya! it was just me and pravin.. called a lot of people, but there were all busy doing something or another! but it was still fun.. first we went to the microtechnology pub.. had a lot of beer! there were sexy girls.. one of them was wearing garter stocking, microskirt, a white shirt which ws tied below her boobs and nothing at the waist! .. sexy it was.. she looked amazing.. and then from there we went to the architecture pub.. it was even better.! had a couple more beers and was already kinda high.. danced a bit and then was sitting at the sofa.. in the end, pravin came and gave me another beer! .. i ws like shitt.. just cuz of that I puked after coming back home.. lol... but otherwise it was fun. the main is that the songs were in english.. i guess thats the main reason we could enjoy!

had the mezmu meeting couple days back.. they want me to make a scrapbook (advanced version of paint) using html 5.0, canvas element, jquery and Php.. and guess what, there is no base code available, the whole thing has to be done from scratch.. n while tats not a stretch, but I dont have a team and have to do it by myself! hahaaa.. hell man.. if i deliver it successfully, I will get about 1,500 SEK.. which is not a lot! .. hmm.. lets see. already told them that i might not be able to do it as i hve three classes and that is my first priority.. anyways..

mindset

Weather these days is soo depressingg! it gets totally dark and cold at just 5 in the eveningg! its crazyy.. I always knew that doing masters in a different country would be toughh.. and I had prepared my mindset for it.. but I am still finding everything increasingly difficultt.. especially the disaster we had, it totally broke me apart..

everyday, all the time i keep telling myself to let it go.. and slowly I am.. but it will take time.. its a lot harder cuz i am free most of the day and got nothing to do but sit here thinking.. hell man, its the same even when i am busy in lectures or something.. lolz..

hold on.. kuch kaam hai.. will write later..

everything has become sooo sickkk.. i just feel like running away...

chid chid

aaj kal bahaut chid chid ho rahi hai yaar... everything feels oddly out of place.. had distributed systems lecture in the morning.. half the time I ws thinking about u and the other half i was sleeping! .. haiii.. on our first valentines we had gone to the khadakwasla dam.. we dipped our foot in water even! for some reason those pictures kept flashing in my mind while I was sitting in the class.. howw bigg? the black jacket u wore, ur smile, the happiness and new excitement.. it all kept coming.. haiii.. dont know what I am gonna do like this..

dunno where to find solace.. the other day me and nashikkar were exchanging mails.. and then we talked on phone.. he kept telling me that if u really loved me u wld have considered me when I realized.. the fact that u found someone else and start prefering him over me in just a couple months means that I should forget and move on.. He is right.. but moving on is harder than it seems.. hmm.. atleast talking to him made me feel a little better..

Have the mezmu job meeting today.. hope it goes alright.. cuz nothing isss...!

Guzarish

Whenever i listen to this song everything just comes back to me.. all the feelings, all the thoughts.. How many times i have listened to this song wid u... nd how many times i have cried listening to it...

I remember we sitting in CCD and this song was playing.. The strange part is that I knew it was the best and happiest point in my life.. and i knew it would be fuckall over here.. But I stilllll didnt realize it.. and I still didnt fight for it.. goddd.. i could blame myself throughout my life for this...

song:
Sheeshe Ke Khwaab Lekke, Raaton Mein Chal Raha Hon
Takrana Jao Kahin...
Aasha Ki Lon Hain Roshan, Phir Bhi Toffan Ka Dhar Hain
Lon Bhuj Na Jaye Kahin...
Bas Eak Haan Ki Guzaarish, Phir Hogi Khusiyon Ki Baarish
Tu Meri Adhuri Pyas Pyas, Tu Agayi Mann Ko Ras Ras
Aab Tho Thu Aaja Pass Pas..., Hain Guzaaarish

Chanda Hain Aasman Hain, Aur Badal Bhee Gane Hain
Yeh Chandaaa Chup Jaye Na...
Tanhayi Das Rahin Hain, Aur Dhadkan Bad Rahi Hain
Eak Pal Bhi Chain Aaye Na...
Kaisi Aajab Dastaan Hain, Bheechainiyan Baas Yahan Hain.....

remembrance...

These days for some reason everything reminds me of youu.. the amazing wrist watch u gifted.. the black lee cooper shoes.. the wallet which we bought after looking through practically all the malls in pune.. Its crazy.. in lectures, I start day dreaming.. its badd.. my heart pains...

watering eyes

Its cold these days.. my eyes start watering whenever I go outside.. the funny part is, at times I dont realize whether I am actually crying or its just the cold :'(

Today is the fifth day since you have stopped talking to me.. y muniaa? baat hi karna band kar diya? .. kitna saat diya hai yaar.. kya kya nahi dekha saath me.. and it boils down to nothingg..? I dont want to believe that.. I never gave up on u as a person.. then yy? haii.. I cant believe I am fighting for our friendship.. I always thought that it is one thing that we will always always have... The fact that u r not talking to me proves only two things: either i have become a degrading unimportant person in ur life or u started believing in "friendship between ex is bullshit".. I dont want to believe in either of them... please dont make me munia...

the days u dont talk to me go by sooo slow.. I have nothing much to do, no one to talk to .. I just sit here in front of my computer.. thinkingg, remembering, regretting..

Had a weird dream today.. I was in the Kothrud flat.. someone rang the bell.. and as soon as I opened the door, I got shot.. I fell to the floor.. in came this female assassin or something with a gun in her hand.. I was not dead, so she shot me twice more near my neck.. I still wasnt dead, just lying down... after some time, she came and pressed down on my wounds with her foot.. I could somewhat feel the pain and was going unconscious.. And just as I thought I was going to die, I suddenly got up with a jerk.. Weird it was..

I was late for college... and when i went down, i found my cycle tire flat! haii.. jindigi barbaad haii...

Angerrr

After a long time I can once again feel anger within me.. Its like the long sleeping part of my soul is rising once again.. The last time it happened, I was in 11th grade.. and thats when I had joined cross country.. Hell, I hadnt even joined cross country.. it was one fine day, there was soo much anger inside of me that I just started running.. I ran for 10 km at a stretch and same the next day and the day after.. eventually I got selected for top 7 runners....

I dont know whts gna happen this time around.. time will tell.. I have signed up for 4 courses this study period.. twice as much as recommended.. Lets see.. either i will fail miserably or find a new side of myself...

Welcome Text

Just turned on my cell phone a while back.. you had wrote a welcome greeting message on my cell phone: "Luv u" .. haiii.. all I could do was stare at the screen.. had to remove the welcome message, otherwise u would kill me every time I turn on my cell.. :'(

A depressing sunday morning

Today morning, I opened my eyes, got up and sat on the edge of the bed.. I had this distinct depressing and engrossing feeling, it was as if my whole body was being consumed by a strange force in the middle of my heart.. It was a feeling I had for the first time in my life.. It was the feeling of loneliness.. not physical loneliness, there are many people and friends around me.. but it was heart loneliness.. It is the feeling u get when u realize that no one in the world truly cares for you.. yes, it is a feeling that is hard to experience, as that can never be true.. How can it be possible that "no one" cares for you?? and yet why did i have such a heart churning feeling? My parents care for me, infact they love me, I know that.. But i could never understand their love and I never found solace in their caring and affection for me.. so this whole feeling thing is true to some extent.. I guess it can be said as: I cannot find solace/comfort/calmness in anybody's care for me.. It hurts..

I have been sooo dependent on your love.. And now that it is gone, it feels as iff.. as iff.. as if a tree has lost its source of sunlight and has to live in darkness.. These days i find myself asking "whats the point of going on in life?" .. it is such a negative question, but it just comes up in my mind every now and then.. The way I look at things has completely changed compared to a couple weeks back.. Its fall season, all the tree leaves are turning yellow and orange and falling down to the ground.. its such a pretty sight. But when I look at it, I can feel only sadness.. I was soo excited for getting the mezmu job.. we have a meeting on Wednesday, but now I am not even happy or proud about it, I dont even know if I want to go and do the job.. Its as if everything has lost its purpose..

Yesterday, a couple of our friends had come over for dinner and party.. we were doing a question and answer round.. The question was "at which point in your life did u feel the most happy and lucky?".. I was thinking the whole time until it was my turn to answer.. For me, I passed my engineering with a first class.. I had an accident where it was unsure whether I would live or not, and I was lucky enough to survive it.. I got a good job in pune.. I got admission in Sweden.. But none of them even come close to the happiest point in my life when I felt like the luckiest person alive.. It was your birthday: 8th August, 2008.. I told them that and they were surprised!

Its 3 in the afternoon rite now and it is already getting dark outside.. suchh a depressing and gloomy weather.. I seriously dont know how I am going to survive my next couple years over here..

heart pains

you have stopped talking to me.. the feeling is soo acrid that I cannot even describe it.. i am here for the past couple days doing nothing but just wondering, thinking about god knows whattt.. I dont get thirsty or hungry.. whenever I try to sleep, my heart aces likes crazy.. dont feel like cooking, showering, going out, watching a movie.. nothing.. its like I have become a soul-less body that has no idea what the hell to do.. like a trapped, powerless ghost who has to leave this realm but doesnt want to.. i feel soo stuck and suffocated.. the feeling is so intense that i cant even explain it..... :(

Ever wondered what people mean when they say their "heart pains"? .. i have found out.. its happening for the past two days everytime I think about u.. u know, it actually physically pains.. I never thought such a thing could happen and always laughed at it.. how can there be pain in heart? its an involuntary muscle! .. but it truly happens.. it doesnt last long, just a second perhaps.. but just that second takes the air out of you.. haiii.. i guess its cuz of the realization that i have totally lost u.. u aint talking to me :( .. its too much for my heart to take... somebody help me :'(